Last night was my final straw that has me wanting off this alcohol crazy train… I can’t take it any longer… I’m a mess inside, and out…. I was abusive verbally / physically to my boyfriend, to myself, and my house… I’m bruised, I’m sick to my stomach at how fucked up my life is and how controlled I am with drinking… I could scream, cry and have a temper tantrum … I committed to another 100 days with Belle today, I even told my nutritionist (friend) that I’m an alcoholic, I admitted something I haven’t yet done to anyone… I know that I am, not hiding it, no denying it, nothing else I can do but just STOP IT….
I have to change what I’m doing, I need help…
This weekend has been aweful! I can’t seem to get moving, I’ve slept more than I have in a month…. Nothing has helped my pissy mood. I sit and stare at life going on around me in a complete fog. I hate it. Last weekend I felt more alive. I made a comment that being sober sucks this weekend… And it’s true. I try to read blogs but today hearing how being sober is so wonderful and how people have rainbows shooting out of their asses is annoying vs inspiring. Bla big bitch that’s how I feel…
Today is day 7 of not drinking… still feel a bit foggy during the days, not all day long, but it’s there. Headache, not sure if it’s from my neck, stress, or the lack of drinking… but nothing is helping it go away. I have noticed that my bloated stomach is going away, which is nice, I have been trying to run, which I believe I’ve done 4 days so far… I do feel so much better after I run… mentally, not quite physically yet as everything seems to ache and pain from either tight calves or hip flexors …My boyfriend who is also not drinking right now, seems so much happier today, which is real nice… yesterday we lounged around and pretty much did nothing but watch TV and nap… first weekend down with no booze so that’s good. I often wonder if I’ll have those days that I read about how great it is to be sober… I’m glad I’m not drinking but it’s not like it’s all warm and fuzzy with lollipops or fireworks… I still can’t wrap my brain around the fact that I’m not a “normal” type drinker… yet I kind of know I’m not… still trying to figure out how not to be pissed about that… and yet wonder why I even care …
Today is yet another day 1, I’ve done the 100 day sober challenge only to think I could moderate… NOT!! Then last January I stopped again for another 100+ days when I decided to compete, then started to drink again… why can’t I just realize I can not be a normal drinker! Some days I really like drinking, love the taste of beer, then other days I HATE it, I hate what it does to me mentally, the effects of it… just everything bad. There was once a time I never ever thought about drinking! But something happened in 2012 that brought me to where I am now… part of it makes me think it’s the person I fell in love with and now live with… who is also a drinker. But I need to just stop drinking and see how I feel after another 100 days or more… I’m taking it month by month so it feels less committal… less anxiety… less I don’t know what.
I will try to blog each day how I’m feeling and ways I’m going to try to help beat the wolfie in my head from stop being such a pain in my ass which is driving me insane.
So today, I’m just not going to drink. I’m going to bed as early as I can. I’m completely hung over and feel like a pile of shit. I need this day to end, and perhaps tomorrow when I feel a little better than death I hope to make a game plan on how to make this month a positive step in the right direction. Make healthy goals and stick to them, eat healthy, get treats, sobber support… stuff to be a better me!
I decided to look back at how long I’ve been going through this roller coaster ride of drinking / not drinking / thinking about drinking / how much I hate drinking / how it seems completely insane I just can’t stop!!! It’s been years now… I’ve had numerous weekends recently that I end up not remembering things that go on… I only feel regret for days after, yet the same shit happens the following weekend. No one pours this shit down my throat… no one makes me do it… I live with my love bug who does the same shit yet he has no care in the world that he drinks… so I feel like I want to discuss things with him to only hear things I don’t want to hear (I guess).. things like “you’re fine, it’s no big deal, you over think things”… which I do, I beat everything to death… I feel so unhappy about so many things it’s exhausting… I’ve read so many blogs that indicate that if I just stopped drinking life would be so much better… but I just can’t seem to do it… fuck
I haven’t blogged in a while, I don’t know why really, I read a ton of blogs, but never seem to lay anything down for myself! I had joined Belle’s 100 day sober challenge and nailed it… 🙂 … I was a machine in those 100+ days, eating super clean, running, working out, and lost 17 lbs, really looked like I could have stepped on stage again with a few more weeks at my insane pace… well, I crashed and burned … piss me off! Why I thought I could just be the normal drinker..Go out to dinner have a glass of wine or a beer. Well, all I know is I can’t… So Christmas and New Years was just plan DUMB… Nothing good about it really, drank, ate, hardly slept, guilt ridden, bloated to shit, STUPID!!! Stupid because I made a very bad decision and now have to start all the fuck over again! So my new 1st day sober was 1/5/2015 (I like stopping shit on Mondays)… Mondays are always bad so why not quit something! Anyway, Monday I didn’t do anything but have a pity party, then that night while I lay awake pissed off, I made sure that Tuesday would be different. I got my ass out of bed, and did my normal workout routine, took my supplements, did my cardio and each day since has gotten better and better… I have a commitment to step on stage April 18th, so I plan on doing this there’s no room for slip ups! I haven’t competed since the World Championships 2012, and I have something to prove to myself… that I can do it again!
OK so I haven’t blogged in a few, but I’ve been reading and keeping myself completely aware of how I’m so much happier that I haven’t drank! I started Belle’s 100 sober day challenge, and I’m now on day 35 … I’ve lost 9 lbs in those 35 days! I’m at 125 lbs, right now, and I’m not fat, but I am/was a professional figure competitor (retired in 2012… ) so being lean, muscular and completely clean was my way of living… until I decided after placing 5th at the World Championships, that I needed to retire, and get myself in order… well no where in my plans was my new-found friend Stoli Razzzzz 🙂 going to be a part of it, but there it was, always around, and I fell in love! Silly me! Well, I had quit weed MANY years ago & smoking butts, so really how hard could this be… WELL it’s amazingly hard!!! After I stopped competing I decided I needed to finalize my divorce, sell my land, and build my house, get a dog… which I did all in 1 year! the stress was at a high, so drinking was too… so after a full year (ok maybe 2) of drinking almost every day and EVERY weekend, I thought I could just stop and be a social drinker… well I realized at that moment, I couldn’t! I still think that maybe I could, but I need to commit to my 100 days, and get my head back in perspective, not be a depressed cry baby, and if being sober is what I need, then that’s what I’ll do… So training 5 days a week again! LOVE IT, NEED IT, and WANT IT! I want to feel ripped and lean again, and be a motivator like I once was… I want to be proud of who I am not, OMG WTF did I do to myself… Anyway, in the past 35 days, I’ve had some real stressful moments where having a cold one would have been great, but my love has been there with me, and he has NO IDEA how great of a motivator he’s been to me… and when I say something wouldn’t a cold one taste yummy, he’s there to say yea it would but how guilty would you feel …. yup I’d be pissed… so stay sober 🙂 and here I am on a nice Sober Tuesday!